The forest fire dies out

 Ah, procrastination's here knocking on my door again. The weirdest thing is that it brings a great rush that numbs me to the deadlines that I keep for myself. The deadlines that would enable me to produce quality over quantity. The deadlines that make me a planner. That makes me do whatever it is that I stand for. It waltzes in so effortlessly, breaking down every small bit of me I slogged to build. It drags on until I think I have to find "the fire" within me and set it to everything I see.

I guess lucky are those whose lives aren't yet plagued by this cause and effect. It is told time and again that you can keep a fire going to push you to your best. You light it in whichever way that works for you whether it be self-hate, doubt, harsh goals, or bitter truths. Maybe my list tilted toward the dark side there, but no post-its saying "you can do it" ever worked on me! That's what I wish to change moving forward. I believe that the strangest thing you can do to yourself is think that you need constant motivation to keep you from procrastinating. The concept of rest gets lost somewhere along the way though that is what we believe we do while we're procrastinating. This basically leads to a circle of not doing anything or helping your own mind be kinder to you. You might then set off a forest fire thinking it's the best way to motivate you to rise and shine through it all, but to me, it feels like that's far from the truth.

It's only on some reflection that I found that whenever I feel like I'm not out there "achieving" it, it is only causing me pain. It is only making me feel undeserving of ordinary things. It is only making me want to try and rebel against "laziness". It is only making me feel like the path that's left is through the labyrinth of burning out.  And when the burnout hits, more deadlines pile and the unwelcome feeling intensifies. So, I talk, I write, I sing, I move around to remember that whatever needs to be done, shall not be rushed more than my very existence. It shall not compromise on all subsequent things that can be done and those might be some of the hardest decisions I make. Those decisions might help me choose things that make me truly happy instead of settling for any less. Oh, I am willing to learn about calming this chaos and finding another way to keep at it because when the forest fire dies out, it sets off a slow and steady chain of disasters...

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Lil Red Moon

 We are taught to believe right from when we start learning anything at all. To have faith simply boils down to the idea of the respect we have for some people or even one person, and understanding that they do everything or say everything for a reason. A toddler learns that b comes after a because they are taught the alphabet. Although they don't understand the importance of language at that point, they realize it makes sense much later when they read their first-ever sentence. A very special human in my life was with me one night when I was probably eleven or twelve. It was a very gullible age, I'll add this as a defense for the rest of the story (although many will tell you I can be just as gullible even now!). The view from the balcony at home was a little special that night. The moon was red, as bright as it could be and that just left my mind very curious. I couldn't help but ask her how that was happening and what she had in store was fascinating to hear and think ab
Read more

My immaturity

  I read somewhere that maturity is when you accept change without drama and fights. It said to stop asking why they lost contact with you and that you notice the change and accept it with a smile. I believe that's utter rubbish. Walking away with a smile is often painful and unnecessarily saint-like. There have been instances where I have done it. Didn't ever make me feel mature just made me wonder where I went wrong. Over and over , stuck in a loop of thinking I'm not good enough. I feel that as long as you still fight you are finding a normal and human way to channel the fact that you still care and want to maintain that relationship. Not entirely justifying fighting as it never always reaches a solution, but bottling it up and pretending it never happened tends to be worse . Why do we normalise to deflect our negative emotions with a smile? Why is that enthroned with a powerful term as maturity? Why do we overuse the term mature when there is actually no true standard t
Read more

Through their eyes

Imagine a world wherein your character traits; the good and bad are personified.  These traits are separate individuals who you tend to attract and are willing to spend time with so as to decide whether they are something you want to keep in your life. You are left with the characteristic of judgment and decision. It's quite a mighty task to perform. It's what formulates strategies to deal with the bad ones and strength to not be overdosed with the good ones. It's what helps filter out daily interactions and limit any issues should they arise. The point of personifying them is to make it relatable to the kind of people we interact with and the ones we are close to in life. When they are separate individuals, it's easy to categorize and assign some sort of value. You have an inner circle that can be a healthy mix of whatever qualifies as good and bad for you, your mental and physical health. You take from it what you want and what suits a situation. The harsh reality is
Read more