blurry blurtings

BLURRY BLURTINGS

a random thought
amidst the mix of all things mundane
it passes by 
and I entertain it
never been one to resist its temptation
but I guess this one brings that feeling
you know? 
the one where something rises to your throat;
breathing, is it one in, you out?

at that second
nothing adds up
memories feel hazy
I am forced to fight the urge to scream
not because it makes me look weak or crazy
but because it wouldn't make the crippling anxiety vanish.
how can I be shut down
with temporary relief
when everything about the half a year gone by
is etched into my mind
like those sweet engraved gifts
you give to someone you cherish.

somehow the scene shifts
the corner of my lips fights gravity
because it is reminded
of the taste of precious moments
the ones that would make little
to no sense to an outsider
because they look at pain with pity
that's alright
because I know I never did
collect the energy
to paint that portrait
to let the world know the colors I felt.

will it always magically appear though?
will it find its way when I find myself stuck with pain on the loop?
will it show up with your punctuality?
will it make me laugh at the weirdest of lines?
will it stay with me, till my eyes slip into the trance of sleep?
or will it haunt me at times?
be another reminder of what isn't there
a vision of perfect flaws and being in the moment
absorbing all the love there is to have,
fading into a dream 
which I will soon forget the details of?

unless of course 
I keep to my word
immortalize the moments in my poetry
in my words for just me and no one in particular
yeah for now
it feels like my safe haven
my only refuge
the clacking away of the keys
calms my chaos
in ways, I have always believed
only music could.



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